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Tuesday, 24 June 2008

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Monday, 16 January 2006

Captain's log, Star date 01.16.2006,

Today is my day of rest after completing one of the most strenuous missions of my career. It all began yesterday evening when my First Mate came to me with an important assignment. She is currently incubating a zygote and was attacked by one of the side-effects of this process...CRAVINGS. At first I thought she said Raving, so I came out of my quarters 10 minutes later with glow sticks on every extremity. Boy, did I feel like a fool. She explained to me that the craving could only be tamed with an extreme oxymoron. So we set off at once (after I put the glow sticks back in my closet) from the spaceport in the shuttle craft Rendezvous in search of this extreme oxymoron.

We wandered aimlessly for what felt like 3 minutes when we got an idea. We must travel to somewhere absolutely crazy. A place where the inhabitants worship nuts (which is absurd. Nuts do nothing but sit there or crunch between your teeth when chewed. Why do these people worship a nut? It is not even an animal. I can understand the buffalo people. Buffalos are big and mean, especially the rare green buffalo. But NUTS!!! There is only one thing weirder than that and that is the worshipping of the mountain man. If you appease the mountain man by "having a pretty mouth", then you are delivered into morganhell and get to stink for the rest of your pathetic life. But at least the nut nuts are poisonous, so if you don't like nutland, just eat the almighty nut.). This land is known as Ohio, or as the dyslexic people know it, Oiho. We crossed the Silver Space Portal into the lands of Ohio and began scouting. We must speak with a diplomat, no!!! even higher. We need to speak with a Queen. Then we remembered that the Queen of the Dairy was near.

We flew up to her grand palace and was greeted by the Secretary to the Queen and she politely asked if she could help us. Finally, the answer was within our grasp, but when we asked for an extreme oxymoron, the secretary seemed confused. She then informed us that the queen's services were limited to a list that was prominently posted outside the palace and that the list of favors were not without a price. We perused the list and there it was in all its glory...the HAWAIIAN BLIZZARD!!!! We exchanged colored paper for this oxymoron and the queen even threw in some round meat on the side.

Mission Accomplished (for real...this is not political propaganda.)

Sane moment: Jazz band will be tomorrow (instead of Thursday) at 3:30 at the HS band room for those 2 PPMS jazz band students. Steel Drums will be on Thursday. If you see them, let them know.

Today's sane moment was brought to you by the letter "&" and the number "please help me, I am being held prisoner in this skull"

Today's Character Quote
"All mushrooms are edible once."

Sunday, 08 January 2006

Wow, It's Sunday already. Where has the time gone? It probably went to Canada with the cowboys to eat really thick bacon. I mean, why wouldn't time and cowboys go to Canada. Canada has so much to offer them. Here in the USA, time is just so normal. Nobody wants to be normal, especially time. In Canada, time can be extreme, cause days and nights to last longer than the "norm". I applaud time for such a bold move. Not everyone is brave enough to be extreme.

Then we have those crazy cowboys (or what the PC groups like to call "cowpeople", even though that word scares the children with thoughts of half cow half human monsters that prey on them when they eat cheese). Cowboys have much to look forward to in Canada land. There they can also be extreme. They can rid themselves of those ridiculous looking jeans and chaps and wear the much more prominent Canadian Mountie uniform that strikes fear not into the hearts of children, but the hearts of criminals. (For a view of this spectacular uniform you can follow this link http://www.alaskan.com/stetson/ , but don't get lost in the abyss that we like to call the Internet and older folk call the Interweb if they remember to put their teeth in..otherwords they say intoowwwwebbb.) The best part of being a Mountie is the extra knee that they grow on their outer thigh that allows them to do amazing break dancing moves such as the triple knee spin, the Mars walk, and the Funky Cha Cha.

I will end this entry with a plea for time to come home. Granny misses you and so do I. Also slow down a little. You are giving my wife gray hairs.

AND the plea to the Cowboys...gain the uniform then get the extra knee and then come back to the good ole USA (I was programmed to say that...no I wasn't!!!). And please, please stay away from Brokeback Mountain. There are weird things going on there and I don't think it is safe for you.

And finally the quote for the day....
"I like traffic lights...that is what I mean
I like traffic lights...but only when they're green"

Saturday, 07 January 2006

Today is an interesting day. I woke up and looked out my window and was shocked. The sun was replaced by a Nazi. Instead of sending rays of sunshine down upon my face, he threw swastika throwing stars. It tickled. I proceeded by going down into the basement, where I keep my Nazi-fighting weapons. There was only one thing that would stop this menace. I had to launch my intergalactic ballistic freedom missile of Democracy. I hit the Nazi square in the moustache and he exploded into a puddle of bile and snot. I am afraid that the puddle will leak into the Ohio River and we will all get contaminated. But we have to look on the bright side...maybe we will get $400 to get our blood tested (which is actually a government experiment to gather our DNA and make clones of us with weaker willpower so that the government can control them and kill the original us, but that is another story).

Anyone reading this, I have saved your freedom. You owe me everything.

And those that are my students...I control your grades (and the government controls your mind)

I will leave on this quote...
"Could be worse...you could be stabbed"